I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
