So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
