shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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