my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
