come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
