Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
