Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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