Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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