Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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