I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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