My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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