she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Randomize