i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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