Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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