either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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