I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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