he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
