i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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