My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
