i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
