At least make sure they are 18
Why
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
