I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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