I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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