my phone needs a breathalizer
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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