my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
A+ Viking dick
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
