this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
