Cold hands, warm shart.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
