3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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