i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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