Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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