a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Randomize
