I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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