I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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