Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
