your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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