I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
