no, he came in my armpit
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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