I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
being pregnant is like rehab
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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