i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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