Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
There r osticjed everywhere
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
as a side note pls kill me
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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