Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
