Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize