I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
