All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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