take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize