i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
