You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
