I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
