I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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