youre lurking in front of me
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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