thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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