I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
