He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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