I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
