Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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