I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
